A Seasonal Mormon!

Earlier this week... I had a bad day... that morphed into a bad week... I know, I know, there is power in what we "confess" but just where is the balance between the power of life and death being in the tongue and just plain old honesty... besides I didn't actually SAY anything... I wrote it and I'm pretty sure (because I asked a really holy super connected to God local pastor who said he wasn't sure which means I'm going with NO) that Satan's minions can't read so I don't think they are doing the happy dance of "We got her! We got her!" on her my blog.

So what exactly does one do in the midst of a bad day that has turned into a bad week... the christian response is of course SEEK GOD.... but after the seeking of God... I seek laughter! It really is the best medicine!

So I picked up a little book called Stuff Christians Like by Jonathon Acuff. Parts of it, I admit are a little cheesey but other parts are just plain hilarious.... He shares things that we ALL know and yet NO ONE says ...

One of my favorite passages (awwww.... see I am a good Christian... I automatically refer to portions of books as passages - sigh of relief)... is in Chapter 1 - My Bad.

Being Slightly Less Nice Than Mormons

Have you ever met a Mormon who was a jerk? I haven't. Every Mormon I have ever met has been nice, friendly and well dressed.  But I know they have some.  Surely someone in Utah is a jerk. But for my money, Mormons are slightly nicer than Christians.

HA-LARIOUS!  And... sadly... kind of true... after I was done laughing out loud in my bed by myself (see previous blogs - I'm single which means I sleep alone - another notch on that Christan belt of mine!)... I started to think... From a single girls perspective there ARE just a few things that the Christian church can learn from the Mormons!

For example, have you ever met a single Mormon over the age of 26... I haven't!  And no it's not because they are all being married off as child brides - I'm not talking about the crazy sects where they make their own clothes and look like they stepped off of the set of Little House on the Prairie.... but the main line, we look and dress and act normal (albeit VERY nice as referenced above) Mormon church... again... I haven't. 

A few years ago I worked with a girl who was a Mormon and found out WHY.  When Mormon youth reach the age of approximately 18, they stop going to the "regular" church and spend roughly the next 10 years (or less for the lucky among them) in the SINGLES church.  All of the single Mormons go to church together where they hook up and get married.  WHAT a BRILLIANT idea! And the BRILLIANCE does not stop there!  In the "Singles Church" 4 or 5 single guys are "assigned" to 4 or 5 single girls to do the manly things that a single girl just can't (or shouldn't have to) do on her own... Moving.... no problem! Your assigned single guys pop on over and haul your stuff!  Blizzard?  Put that shovel down! Your assigned single guys come and shovel you out!  Buy new and complicated electronic gadgets!  No need to read the directions because... Here come your single guys!  Seriously, this is BETTER than the Geek Squad... and it's FREE!!!!

I must admit (notch off the super Christian belt) when I learned all of the above, I started to wonder... if I could become a seasonal Mormon... Find my husband (okay technically too old for the singles church but if they don't ask for id... I LOOK younger than I am)... Let Jesus save him and in the process never worry about another move, snow storm or new electronic gadget again!

GREEN... is NOT the new BLACK!

I am really funny... quite hilarious at times if you ask me and often without even trying!  Humor is just a part of who I am.  Along with being funny, I am also  pretty honest.  I call 'em like I see 'em and honestly just say what I am thinking with little to no pretense.  And just a curious little side note on that point, was I NOT supposed to talk about the man-boobs that had swag?!

So I'm going to be honest... sometimes, just sometimes, I think that God is going a little too far with this rejoice with those who rejoice thing! (Shocked face, I know... I know... but I'm being real.. and if you keep reading it really does all resolve in a way that I think makes Jesus proud.)  I mean when Peter asked how many times we are supposed to forgive Jesus said 70 times 7.  Yes I know, biblically there was some infinity type significance to that equation but here in 2012... that means 490!  So I will give you 490 chances and THEN... we are THROUGH!

So... how many times am I supposed to rejoice with those who rejoice?  I mean, I can tell you how many bridesmaids dresses are hanging in my closet and the number of showers - both bridal and baby that I have planned.  I couldn't even begin to count the number that I have attended.  Sometimes it's been easy and other times, it's been more of a challenge but each time I have had to make a choice - To rejoice or NOT to rejoice - That was the question!

I recently found myself wondering in those times when it has been a challenge, WHY it was so hard?  WHAT the struggle was?  The answer hit and it wasn't very pretty... jealousy!  Now here was the trick... I really was truly, genuinely happy for my friends... but I was sad for me... and the combination left me GREEN with envy.  I love the color green but not in this context!  Green is NOT the new black and I do NOT like the accessories that go with this particular shade of green.  Dissatisfaction, depression, frustration... the list could go on and on! 

Have you ever found yourself in this situation, wondering how to rid yourself of that awful feeling? 

The first step is to recognize where it is coming from.  The truth is that jealousy is usually spawned out of unbelief.  The reality is that if I TRULY believe that God was going to fulfill the desires of my heart, I would be encouraged NOT discouraged when I see Him doing it for someone else. 

The second is to pray for and go out of your way to bless one of two people - EITHER the person whose dream is coming true (trust me when you do this with a sincerity of heart, you are blessed in the process) OR someone who is discouraged and needs a little pick me up.  In both cases you are no longer focusing on the source of your problem... which in this case, unfortunately is YOU!

If you remember nothing else, remember... Green is NOT the new black... AND if you hurt me 490 times... I will forgive you anyway (partially because I probably lost count a long time ago :)!

Waffles, Spaghetti & the Anti-Christ!

*Please note - the thoughts below are not nor were they intended to be theologically sound. Neither my theology professors nor my brother will be pleased but hopefully they will be mildly amused!*

I read a book once called Men are like Waffles & Women are like Spaghetti.  The premise of the book was pretty simple.  It's basically Mars & Venus meets the grocery store.  Men, the book said, are like waffles in that they compartmentalize everything.  Women are like spaghetti.  All of our thoughts touch and connect to all of our other thoughts.  Basically it is very easy for us to live in a stream of consciousness.  I wish I could say that it wasn't true. That my thoughts are not only logical but completely focused.  I almost had myself convinced that this *might* be true... when I found myself wondering this week WHO was going to give birth to the Anti-Christ. 


Strange question, I know (especially this time of the year) but can you honestly say you have NEVER wondered?! Even odder than the question, is the thought process that lead there.  You see... what had happened was... I had a crazy week complete with atypical migraines.  Atypical in that sometimes I had a headache and sometimes I had other migraine like symptoms.  The most severe - nausea.  I felt so sick every day this week at precisely 11 am that I honestly thought if I didn't know better... I would think I was pregnant.  Since I am certain that there was only one immaculate conception and virgin birth planned (and yes I still have my V-card.... I was upgraded to a platinum membership a few years ago) I knew that wasn't the case UNLESS I was about to give birth to the Anti-Christ... which got me thinking... who would his mother be?  Did she make a pact with the devil? Did she know that the child she carried and raised would rule the world and usher in the Apocalypse?   I suddenly had a very strange version of "Mary, did you know?" running through my mind... all because I had an migraine!

The Message of the Man Boobs!

I learned a really valuable lesson a few weeks ago from a very unusual source... a pair of man boobs!


I was sitting in my office, minding my own business (or so it would seem) when I glanced out the window and saw a guy walking down the street. I can't remember what I noticed first:  his thick legs, slightly chunky hiney or... his man boobs.  He wasn't large and in charge but he was definitely ... thick!    I see men of all shapes and sizes on a daily basis.  Very few cause me to take a double look... but this guy... had my attention because even with the butt and the boobs... he had swag!  I sat and watched him walk down the street with complete confidence and found myself drawn to him because of it!   His confidence overrode all of the perceived flaws that I had a noticed at first.  The truth is that I only saw them for a second.  The confidence was attractive... alluring even.  Truth be told, I even thought about giving his little man boob a squeeze (thankfully as has been stated, I was in my office and he was on the street eliminating my need for impulse control!)


For years I have read the articles, talked to girlfriends and even had guy friends tell me that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities an individual can possess but it wasn't until I saw the man boobs with swag that I understood it! 


It really is all about loving yourself, accepting yourself and being confident in every part of who you are! Confidence is the magic ingredient that makes the ordinary... extraordinary! (Even a pair of man boobs!)

The Adventures of an Internet Dater...

Eharmony, Match.com, Christian Cafe & now Christian Mingle...


I have tried (and my mother has paid) for all of the above!  Where others come away with great dates, engagement rings and wedding plans...


I come away with my head shaking in disbelief.


What kind of men do I meet you might ask...


Well, there was the White Supremicist, the midget from Sacachawan, the unemployed guy who lived with his grandmother and... drum roll please... the GOOSE from Charlotte's Web.  (Do you remember-ember-ember her?)


I'm not sure the adventure is always worth the trip!

We Believe!

Intriguing, captivating, magical... that is what life should be!  And... it is why I love movies like Bednobs and Broomsticks and The Chronicles of Narnia.  There really ought to be special places and privileges for the very clever among us!  Those who have the eyes to see, ears to hear and creativity to imagine that there really is more than meets the eye in life...  I like to think I am one such person! 


Years ago I inherited a mug... a simple white mug from a roommate.  On the front is the outline of a bride and the simple words, "We believe".  This is IT! I thought when I first saw the mug!  I will drink from this cup and believe... and believe I did! Every saturday morning, I would pour a luxurious cup of coffee and sit in the quiet of the morning... Believing!  


About a year later (still single, of course), I inherited two things that I thought might be key to transporting me into the magical world of marriage... my first big girl bed (and by that I mean I graduated from a twin size bed to a full size bed at the age of... 31) and my grandmother's engagement ring!  


I donned the ring, filled the mug and sat on the bed... and waited for my husband to appear... Nothing happened...  and now I think I know why... the final piece of the puzzle has recently emerged... what was missing you ask... the scent of pumpkin pie!  Apparently men are 40% more attracted and aroused when they smell pumpkin pie than when they do not smell pumpkin pie!


So now I sit... on the bed, with the ring, the mug and my pumpkin scented candle... just waiting for my husband to emerge!


Believing!

A Single Girls Guide to Car Maintenance!

You know... I wasn't around in the 60's and even if I was, I am pretty sure I would NOT have burned my bra! The truth is that I love the way it supports, lifts and enhances my life!  I also LOVE traditional gender rolls...

Men if you are reading - I will wash the clothes, cook the meals and care for the children (except when they are vomiting). In return, please be prepared to open my door,  take out the trash, shovel the snow, mow the lawn... and CARE for the CAR!!!!

Seriously! WHAT is a single girl supposed to do when... The blinkers stop working. The windshield wipers wear out. The tires get run down. The transmission starts to go. The wheel bearings (what the heck is a wheel bearing) have issues.  The tail lights get cracked. The exhaust starts to leak. The list could go on and on! 

Feeling a little anxious and overwhelmed? 

A Single Girls Guide to Car Maintenance is all you need!  Four simple steps to complete automotive peace of mind!

1) Make sure you have GAP insurance.

2) Wait for a large hurricane, tropical storm, or even a slight breeze (who knows you might get lucky).

3) Park car under large precarious looking tree!

4) Buy a NEW CAR!



*Sadly, this is NOT my vehicle. 

Apparently I am waiting for the tree that will topple with a slight breeze :(

One man (or woman)'s tragedy is an other's triumph!