The Battle of the Bathing Suit!

This story is a blast from the past...

an oldie but a goodie...

a tale of days gone by!

Disclaimer: *All names have been changed to protect... the innocent??

I’m so thankful that I took the time to get my Master’s degree… that I studied, applied myself and graduated Summa Cum Laude!  The $45,000 that I still owe pales in comparison to the knowledge and skill that I have gained!  That is what I thought yesterday… right before swim lessons. Yep, I said, swim lessons!  My extensive education, my love of life and learning has landed me the job of a lifetime! I am a part-time nanny!  Yesterday, I suddenly understood how books like The Nanny Diaries get written!

My little Dolly* is 3.  Her brother Bobbie* is 5.  Yesterday was swim lesson day.  I remembered EVERYTHING.  Their suits, towels, snacks, books for the time that we spend waiting for the instructor and, of course, my charming personality and wit that keeps the children entertained for hours on end!  What I forgot was to put Dolly on the potty BEFORE donning her swimsuit.  While we were waiting for lessons to begin, Dolly stood up and started to pull on the bottom of her bathing suit.  “Dis is wet!” she said with a look of disdain.  I started to say “It’s not wet” when I realized that what she was really saying was “I have to tinkle and already started!” 

“Dolly, did you pee-pee in your swimsuit?” I asked – aren’t you jealous that I get to live the life where such fabulous questions are mine to pose?  Some contemplate the deep questions of life. Others probe into, what to me, are the mysteries of the financial world.  Still others make decisions that change the courses of nations… I wonder if Dolly tinkled in her swimsuit… 

With a nod of her head and crinkled nose, she replied matter of factly, “A little bit, I did.”  Translation:  “I started to go potty in my pants but have stopped. You dear nanny, now have a brief window of opportunity to get me to the potty before it ALL comes out!”  With that, I jumped up, grabbed Dolly and ran.  Thankfully, Bobbie followed because suddenly he had “to go” too!

            We made it to the bathroom stall, Dolly finished what she had started and was in the process of pulling her suit back up when… she wrinkled her nose again and said, “Dis suit is WET!  I han’t (she cannot say her hard c’s at the beginning of words) wear dis! I want my odder suit!”  How could I have forgotten, Dolly refuses to wear anything that is wet next to her body. 

            “We don’t have another suit, honey-bunny,” I began.  “You’ll have to wear that.  You are getting right in the pool anyway.”

            “NO!” she declared more strongly. “I han’t wear it!  I han’t!” And the battle of the bathing suit began.  I tried to coherce, convince, bribe and force her to pull up her suit.  I even tried to pull it up myself.  This effort was met with an ear-piercing shriek of defiance.  Bobbie tried to help as well but to no avail.  We were about to miss swim lessons.  I was contemplating letting her swim naked but figured that probably wouldn’t fly with the instructor.  Suddenly, I had it, the idea that would save the moment.  Only my $45,000 education could be responsible for this ingenious solution.

            “Dolly, take off the suit!  If I dry it, will you wear it?”  I asked.  She looked at me skeptically and slowly nodded her head yes.  With suit in hand, I walked over to the hand dryer and began to blow dry the pee-pee.  There suddenly seemed to be a lot of traffic in the ladies locker room.  And Dolly who had never had a shy moment in her life suddenly felt self-conscious and feeling so she wrapped her naked little body around my leg and sat on my foot.  Thankfully all of the pee-pee had been… eliminated and my foot stayed dry.  With a dry suit and happy smile, we left the locker room in time to meet the swim instructor.  Dolly took one look at him and declared, “I’m NOT ‘fwimming’ today.  I NOT!”  I smiled, shrugged and said “Good luck!” adding to myself, “Hope you have a Master’s degree!  You’ll need it!”

Every Child Deserves a Chin!

Today’s disclaimer – Shallow: Party of One

This morning I woke up with a new found confidence in two things.  The first being that I am amazing and quite a catch!  The second being that my husband may be right around the corner in my life.  I have always imagined that I would meet my husband at church or a conference because that is where Christian girls go to meet men…

Today I realized that Christian men aren’t only in church. They are in grocery stores and doctor’s offices and maybe even at Chick-fil-a. So I put on my lip gloss… and smiled at all the men I saw, old, young, attractive & … un!  If they didn’t smile back, I kept it moving… CLEARLY it was THEIR loss!

On particular guy caught my eye as I stepped onto an elevator, we smiled and politely nodded at each other with our matching Chick-fil-a bags in hand.  This particular elevator was slow moving giving me plenty of time to take him in and think… slightly rumpled suit – that’s okay – it IS hot out today… not a head turner but potentially a really nice guy!  I pictured us talking and laughing, going out with friends… generally enjoying life… and then I noticed it… his chin… or should I say lack thereof. 

The images in my mind started to morph slightly as I pictured… our chinless children!  I couldn’t help but think… Every child deserves a chin!

With another smile and nod, I exited the elevator still certain that my husband could be anywhere… but also certain that he must have a chin!

The Most Amazing Nightmare!

My first car… was the most amazing nightmare of my life! 

It was the summer before my 18^th birthday when I heard the words that EVERY teenager longs to hear – “We have this old car… and we NEVER use it. Do you want it?” 

A car? For me? For FREE! AHHH- MAZING!!!

“There is just one catch…” (slamming on mental brakes!) “It’s a stick.”  NIGHTMARE!

Oh how I loved that car!  Oh how I hated that clutch!

I don’t know that I have ever prayed more in life than I did that first summer!  I prayed the entire way to and from work that all of the lights would be green!  I laid hands on the hood off the car (often) after driving around with the emergency brake on.  I prayed each night that the God of Heaven and Earth who parted the Red Sea, turned water to wine and raised Himself from the dead would change my car from a manual transmission to an automatic – because I KNEW that He could! (Side note – He never did.)

My little car (a two door Chevy Sprint) had a broken air conditioner, a leaky sun roof and the inability to go over 55 mph without shaking uncontrollably! 

Looking back that little nightmare was THE BEST!  $12 filled the tank and I could drive FOREVER even on the fumes.  Those wheels gave me freedom to come and go as I pleased. My college roomie and I were often off to the mall or the movies or a ride around town… all in my little sprint!

But all the while I was driving my amazing little car, I was always thinking about the day… the day I would have a new car… that wasn’t a stick, with AC that worked and sunroof that didn’t leak… I was always looking ahead…

Now as I look back THAT little car was my favorite car… EVER!!!!

As I thought about this today… I couldn’t help but wonder… if my “single years” are not unlike my years with the sprint!  Always looking ahead… always dreaming and thinking and planning for what is to come without fully enjoying where I am right now!

So I decided!  It’s time to look around and enjoy the moment!  Enjoy sleeping late, stretched across the WHOLE bed with all of the blankets! Enjoy the occasional bowl of ice cream for dinner (and by bowl I mean spoon into carton) because no one else is depending on me!  Enjoy my chick flicks and girlie shows… and truly enjoy the time that I am able to spend and invest in God’s presence without interruption!

It is time to enjoy!

Where ARE the camera men?

I know that I have said it before but… I think I’m pretty funny and truth be told I *wish* I could earn a living with my humor alone! 

All of this 9-5 (& that morning 9 am hour DOES include my commute and morning trip to Starbucks, right?), sitting at a desk and being nice to clients ALL DAY is… a lot of work!  It does NOT come naturally for me!  What does come naturally is sleeping late, drinking lattes (green tea are my current favorite) and being funny!  Those three things are effortless!  Doesn’t this modern era that we live in tell us to work with our strengths?  Well, those are mine. 

Now please don’t think you are being original and clever if you are shrieking at your computer – stand-up comedy, you should do stand-up comedy!  Because well… this isn’t Comcast on Demand. I can’t just produce the funniness.  The majority of it is situational. It is a result of what life throws at me… and what I throw back.  We have a great little volley going on… life and I! 

What I really need is a camera to follow me around, capture my life and edit it down to 30 minutes a week. Honestly, I would watch me! 

Who else do you know who has…

·         Spit gum out their car window doing 85 mph down the highway only to have it land on the windshield of a cop car! (Got pulled over for the gum but not the speeding – no ticket acquired!)

·         Called out of work… fat… It was just one of those days… when my jeans didn’t fit. So I did what any self-respecting girl would do! I threw them across the room and curled up with a book! (Books always fit!)

·         Driven through an electric fence and into a herd of cows or…

·         Put a pair of boxer briefs on an otherwise naked and anatomically correct statue (see previous post- Nature Boy)

It could be good times… this sitcom of mine… and it would all be… Part of My Charm!

What's in YOUR trunk?

I was recently made aware that men like a woman… with a clean car!  I am not quite sure why.   I thought my messy car spoke of my vulnerability and need to be cared for.  Apparently, it just says that I’m not only lazy but messy to boot! 

 In an effort to truly be #wifematerial, I headed straight to the car wash and got that puppy washed and vacuumed. My next stop was the local gas station for an oil change and tire fill. What good was a clean car if the head gasket was blown (yes, did that once) and the tires were flat?!?!? 

I felt QUITE PROUD as I drove my shiny, freshly oiled car with the full tires home!  I made sure to glance at other drivers as I passed, certain that one of them would be cute, single and impressed by my automotive care! 

As I drove…  I remembered… my trunk!  It was like a big fat pin had just popped my shiny red balloon!  What if Mr. Wow-I-Think-You-Are-So-Hot-Because-Of-The-Way-You-Care-For-Car looked in my trunk?!?!? 

I did a quick mental inventory of the contents – sleeping bag, 2 blazers, a winter coat, a spring jacket, books, board games, a frying pan (that says I kiss better than I cook), p90x, a few cans of soup, some mugs and a fondue pot.  How would I explain THIS away… My mind began to dart quickly between the items listed above and like a good game of connect the dots I knew… that the contents of my trunk made me more desirable than ever! 

Come natural disaster, famine, the zombie apocalypse, or a simple breakdown, I could survive on the contents of my trunk!  I could stay warm, create shelter, fry soup, read a book, and change my clothes.  My car was not just a mode of transportation, it was a survival kit!

I am #wifematerial!

A Seasonal Mormon!

Earlier this week... I had a bad day... that morphed into a bad week... I know, I know, there is power in what we "confess" but just where is the balance between the power of life and death being in the tongue and just plain old honesty... besides I didn't actually SAY anything... I wrote it and I'm pretty sure (because I asked a really holy super connected to God local pastor who said he wasn't sure which means I'm going with NO) that Satan's minions can't read so I don't think they are doing the happy dance of "We got her! We got her!" on her my blog.

So what exactly does one do in the midst of a bad day that has turned into a bad week... the christian response is of course SEEK GOD.... but after the seeking of God... I seek laughter! It really is the best medicine!

So I picked up a little book called Stuff Christians Like by Jonathon Acuff. Parts of it, I admit are a little cheesey but other parts are just plain hilarious.... He shares things that we ALL know and yet NO ONE says ...

One of my favorite passages (awwww.... see I am a good Christian... I automatically refer to portions of books as passages - sigh of relief)... is in Chapter 1 - My Bad.

Being Slightly Less Nice Than Mormons

Have you ever met a Mormon who was a jerk? I haven't. Every Mormon I have ever met has been nice, friendly and well dressed.  But I know they have some.  Surely someone in Utah is a jerk. But for my money, Mormons are slightly nicer than Christians.

HA-LARIOUS!  And... sadly... kind of true... after I was done laughing out loud in my bed by myself (see previous blogs - I'm single which means I sleep alone - another notch on that Christan belt of mine!)... I started to think... From a single girls perspective there ARE just a few things that the Christian church can learn from the Mormons!

For example, have you ever met a single Mormon over the age of 26... I haven't!  And no it's not because they are all being married off as child brides - I'm not talking about the crazy sects where they make their own clothes and look like they stepped off of the set of Little House on the Prairie.... but the main line, we look and dress and act normal (albeit VERY nice as referenced above) Mormon church... again... I haven't. 

A few years ago I worked with a girl who was a Mormon and found out WHY.  When Mormon youth reach the age of approximately 18, they stop going to the "regular" church and spend roughly the next 10 years (or less for the lucky among them) in the SINGLES church.  All of the single Mormons go to church together where they hook up and get married.  WHAT a BRILLIANT idea! And the BRILLIANCE does not stop there!  In the "Singles Church" 4 or 5 single guys are "assigned" to 4 or 5 single girls to do the manly things that a single girl just can't (or shouldn't have to) do on her own... Moving.... no problem! Your assigned single guys pop on over and haul your stuff!  Blizzard?  Put that shovel down! Your assigned single guys come and shovel you out!  Buy new and complicated electronic gadgets!  No need to read the directions because... Here come your single guys!  Seriously, this is BETTER than the Geek Squad... and it's FREE!!!!

I must admit (notch off the super Christian belt) when I learned all of the above, I started to wonder... if I could become a seasonal Mormon... Find my husband (okay technically too old for the singles church but if they don't ask for id... I LOOK younger than I am)... Let Jesus save him and in the process never worry about another move, snow storm or new electronic gadget again!

GREEN... is NOT the new BLACK!

I am really funny... quite hilarious at times if you ask me and often without even trying!  Humor is just a part of who I am.  Along with being funny, I am also  pretty honest.  I call 'em like I see 'em and honestly just say what I am thinking with little to no pretense.  And just a curious little side note on that point, was I NOT supposed to talk about the man-boobs that had swag?!

So I'm going to be honest... sometimes, just sometimes, I think that God is going a little too far with this rejoice with those who rejoice thing! (Shocked face, I know... I know... but I'm being real.. and if you keep reading it really does all resolve in a way that I think makes Jesus proud.)  I mean when Peter asked how many times we are supposed to forgive Jesus said 70 times 7.  Yes I know, biblically there was some infinity type significance to that equation but here in 2012... that means 490!  So I will give you 490 chances and THEN... we are THROUGH!

So... how many times am I supposed to rejoice with those who rejoice?  I mean, I can tell you how many bridesmaids dresses are hanging in my closet and the number of showers - both bridal and baby that I have planned.  I couldn't even begin to count the number that I have attended.  Sometimes it's been easy and other times, it's been more of a challenge but each time I have had to make a choice - To rejoice or NOT to rejoice - That was the question!

I recently found myself wondering in those times when it has been a challenge, WHY it was so hard?  WHAT the struggle was?  The answer hit and it wasn't very pretty... jealousy!  Now here was the trick... I really was truly, genuinely happy for my friends... but I was sad for me... and the combination left me GREEN with envy.  I love the color green but not in this context!  Green is NOT the new black and I do NOT like the accessories that go with this particular shade of green.  Dissatisfaction, depression, frustration... the list could go on and on! 

Have you ever found yourself in this situation, wondering how to rid yourself of that awful feeling? 

The first step is to recognize where it is coming from.  The truth is that jealousy is usually spawned out of unbelief.  The reality is that if I TRULY believe that God was going to fulfill the desires of my heart, I would be encouraged NOT discouraged when I see Him doing it for someone else. 

The second is to pray for and go out of your way to bless one of two people - EITHER the person whose dream is coming true (trust me when you do this with a sincerity of heart, you are blessed in the process) OR someone who is discouraged and needs a little pick me up.  In both cases you are no longer focusing on the source of your problem... which in this case, unfortunately is YOU!

If you remember nothing else, remember... Green is NOT the new black... AND if you hurt me 490 times... I will forgive you anyway (partially because I probably lost count a long time ago :)!